Last week was a blur

Well I have to admit last week went by so fast I lost track of all time. I have spent most of it going through medical tests and talking to - well - everyone. The reason is that I have been diagnosed - again.

Yup - it is true - it is back. The doctors are trying to figure out if is a metastasis of my original breast cancer or if it is a new one. Not that it really matters - because frankly I did not want to do this all over again. I thought I was clear. It had been 6 years.

I have to admit that I cannot stop thinking about women else where in the world and that I am so lucky. You are probably thinking - WHAT? LUCKY? Are you crazy?

Yup, I feel lucky because I know that although the news I got is not great - I also know that I still can hold hope because with the technology and available care at my disposal I still have a fighting chance to extend my life. In other parts of the world I would not.

I am glad that I am part of the World Conference on Breast Cancer Foundation, because I know that the work we all do is working toward giving all women a fighting chance.

Advocate for your health

There are some doctors who just cannot seem to believe that a healthy woman under the age of 45 can get breast cancer. I am running into far too many younger women who tell the same story, "They said I was too young to have breast cancer. They said it is probably nothing at all. They said let's keep an eye on it".

Younger women do get breast cancer and it is often more aggressive. Younger women are also more likely to have a re-occurrence.

You need to advocate for your own health. No one knows your body better than you. If you notice a change and think something is wrong with your breast(s), push until it is looked at and you have confirmation that it is 'nothing'. Note the key word "CHANGE". We all have lumps, bumps and shape things going on - it is when there is a change that you need to have it looked at.

Many young women have no idea what to look for to know if something is wrong. Every women is as different as are the symptoms. In some cases there are no overt clues at all. Here are some of the symptoms to look out for (could be one or a combination of the symptoms):

• the nipple inverts
• there is a painful hot spot
• there is a protrusion, puckering or dimpling of the skin
  
• pain in the breast
• nipple discharge (and you are not breast feeding)
• blood from the nipple
• skin colour or texture changes
• contour of the breast changes or there is notable change in size of one breast (smaller or larger) or
• there is a lump you can feel that is just not right.

In my case, I had a lump that felt like a candy coated peanut and was the size of a shelled almond. When I think back I realize that the offending breast also was different in size, it was smaller and did not have the same round shape of the healthy breast. I had a doctor who knew that this disease did not pick favourites and any age was vulnerable. Not everyone has my good fortune.

I was reminded of this today and of the importance for advocating for your health. I learned that a gal I met in Toronto, a few years back, lost her life to breast cancer yesterday. Tracy was diagnosed with breast cancer just before her 40th birthday, but only after extensively advocating for testing and then treatment. She went for initial treatment on her 40th birthday. At 44 she learned it had metastasized in her hip. She turned 47 nine days ago.

Here is my broken record speech - please do your breast self exams - if you do not know how, go to your doctor and ask them to teach you. There is also an excellent site that gives a detailed review of what to look for and how to do a breast self exam - visit www.breastselfexam.ca

Inner Calm

I always find it funny that when things are in total chaos I seem to find this inner calm. Work is crazy, the kids activities are keeping everyone running, training, fundraising, school, chores....

I should be completely overwhelmed (and there are momentary fizzles), but for the most part I just face what ever is in front of me and just deal with it.

I have seen many women faced with a diagnosis find this inner calm. I do not know if it is resolve, acceptance, resignation, determination or what?

I have just learned another friend has just had a biopsy. She is already a survivor. We were hoping to celebrate a major milestone of being in the 'clear'.

I talked to her yesterday. There was that inner calm again, or at least her outer self was putting on a very good facade. The inside might have been screaming, stamping feet, tearing hair and spewing tears and snot. If it was - that is ok too.

She will learn the results next week. I really hope they are negative and we can celebrate that milestone with added enthusiasm.

Could it be stress?

In my last post I talk about confidence. I think confidence is about your perception of yourself and really has nothing to do with anyone else. Although, I often wonder if it was stress that eroded my confidence.

Just before (and following) diagnosis, I went through a lot of stressful life changing events.

Here is what some of the experts say say are the top causes of stress (the experts vary but they are generally similar):

1. Death of a loved one
2. Divorce
3. Marriage
4. Jail Term
5. Injury or Illness
6. Fired from job
7. Retirement
8. Financial problems
9. Moving
10. Buying a house

I went through a divorce, moved, lost my job, got sick, was running out of money, started a new relationship, moved again, got a new job, bought a house, moved one more time and had a young daughter to care for all through this.

When I realized what was on the list, I told my Dad he was not allowed to die. I was too young to retire. And incarceration was out of the question - that would have just tipped the cow.

I don't remember being stressed.

The job I ended up going into was for significantly less money than I had been making and was role I had been in 15 years earlier in my career. My director asked me why I would take a job like this when I had experience to get something much better.

I could only think of one thing to say, "I lost a marriage, I lost a job, I lost a breast and I lost my confidence".

I knew that I had to get it together. I had a little girl depending on me. Slowly the confidence came back. I am not sure how - perhaps pure suborn will. Maybe it was just survival.

When I say I am a survivor - I am not talking about breast cancer.

2% of Breast Cancer cases are men

We have a WCBCF Board meeting occurring in Hamilton in the beginning of June. Our Chair, Leila Springer, has asked that the marketing primes get together with some of the marketing business leaders in advance of our meeting, including meeting with the Hamilton Tiger Cats football team.

I am sure many people do not know, that 2% of diagnosed breast cancer cases, in Canada, are men.

So here is the question of the day, "do you think we can all 61 football players on the team roster to do breast self exams?"

We could change the name to chest or pectoral massage for the guys.

GO TIGATS!

Waiting

For any one who has been through any kind of diagnostic testing, you know the process. You are tested – you wait – you worry – you wait – you worry some more – you wait and then you hear the news.

For me I decided to cut out the worry bits. I figured “what is the point”. If I turn myself inside out with worry and hear, “it is nothing” then I will think, “why did I waste all of that energy worrying?” Or I could hear, “I am sorry it is Breast Cancer” then I will think, “why did I waste all of that time worrying?”

Worrying wasn’t going to change the outcome, be it good or bad, so I just carried on living. After all, I had a fabulous 5 year old daughter to have fun with and a new man in my life. It was Spring and everything was in bloom. Life was looking pretty good. I had never felt healthier or more alive.

I thought I would have to wait two weeks, but the Radiologist must have taken a shine to me because he expedited the results. A week later my doctor called me to her office. I knew the results were likely not good or she would have told me over the phone.

When I arrived, she met me at the door (very odd – you usually wait in the waiting room with a bunch of people who are really sick – I still was not sick – at least in my mind). We went into the examining room and with a grim face she said, “I am sorry Kim, it is Breast Cancer”. I think she was taking the news harder than I was.

I did not miss a step. I just looked her in the eye and said, “Well, I guess we better deal with it then”. You would think I was talking about lancing a boil, when I think back now. The enormity really had not set in. Funny thing is – even now – I still don’t think it has. Maybe that is a good thing.

I was booked to see the surgeon one week later. The wait was over – for now.

"I don't feel sick"