Inner Calm

I always find it funny that when things are in total chaos I seem to find this inner calm. Work is crazy, the kids activities are keeping everyone running, training, fundraising, school, chores....

I should be completely overwhelmed (and there are momentary fizzles), but for the most part I just face what ever is in front of me and just deal with it.

I have seen many women faced with a diagnosis find this inner calm. I do not know if it is resolve, acceptance, resignation, determination or what?

I have just learned another friend has just had a biopsy. She is already a survivor. We were hoping to celebrate a major milestone of being in the 'clear'.

I talked to her yesterday. There was that inner calm again, or at least her outer self was putting on a very good facade. The inside might have been screaming, stamping feet, tearing hair and spewing tears and snot. If it was - that is ok too.

She will learn the results next week. I really hope they are negative and we can celebrate that milestone with added enthusiasm.

Could it be stress?

In my last post I talk about confidence. I think confidence is about your perception of yourself and really has nothing to do with anyone else. Although, I often wonder if it was stress that eroded my confidence.

Just before (and following) diagnosis, I went through a lot of stressful life changing events.

Here is what some of the experts say say are the top causes of stress (the experts vary but they are generally similar):

1. Death of a loved one
2. Divorce
3. Marriage
4. Jail Term
5. Injury or Illness
6. Fired from job
7. Retirement
8. Financial problems
9. Moving
10. Buying a house

I went through a divorce, moved, lost my job, got sick, was running out of money, started a new relationship, moved again, got a new job, bought a house, moved one more time and had a young daughter to care for all through this.

When I realized what was on the list, I told my Dad he was not allowed to die. I was too young to retire. And incarceration was out of the question - that would have just tipped the cow.

I don't remember being stressed.

The job I ended up going into was for significantly less money than I had been making and was role I had been in 15 years earlier in my career. My director asked me why I would take a job like this when I had experience to get something much better.

I could only think of one thing to say, "I lost a marriage, I lost a job, I lost a breast and I lost my confidence".

I knew that I had to get it together. I had a little girl depending on me. Slowly the confidence came back. I am not sure how - perhaps pure suborn will. Maybe it was just survival.

When I say I am a survivor - I am not talking about breast cancer.